wow I've forgotten about this journal thingum haha.

I've been doing really shitty at school lately, and my Midyear exams are totally screwed.

been experimenting around with my camera here and there though, and I think my (barely existent) skills are slooowlyyy improving.
nothing worth putting up yet though.

some new writing coming up soon. my inspiration well's been pretty drained; I realize I write better when I'm sad about things-the emotions pour out much more easily.

I think it's all part of the selfishness of human beings: to want to share their sadness and make others suffer with them. As they say, misery loves company. haha.

as for happiness......I've been feeling quite dead lately. I need something to revive my soul and make me feel completely ecstatic. I haven't felt immense joy for a really long time.

maybe it's the changes and having to adjust to a new life.
I miss my old school, my friends and all. insanely.

and well. some stuff happened months ago and they impacted my life quite significantly. I'm still in the state of picking up the pieces and trying to feel normal and whole again.
NOT failed relationships or anything like that. I'll probably be single for pretty damn long.

just some other stuff. as you can tell, I get affected emotionally quite easily.


I'm guessing no one will read this (who reads my journal entries anyway) and won't comment. So I wonder why I bother.
but nevermind. ranting to space and silence is better than not ranting at all.


I realize my friends are my endorphins.
they keep me happy and I feel alive when I'm with them.
I feel like myself again.

the persona I portray in school seems so carefree and happy-go-lucky; when in reality I just find it hard to share certain things with people I don't know long enough.

I wish there was a pill I could take to make these feelings go away.
To make me into myself again.

it's like there's these two parts of me and I can't tell which is which anymore.
They engulf each other, and traits of the persona and my self emerge at different intervals of time.

it's confusing.
I'm confusing.
f-ck it.


I've been really interested with the idea of not-existing.
not dying.

as in not existing at all.

I can't imagine being nothing and knowing nothing, because if I'm nothing, I wouldn't know how to feel or behave.
I wouldn't even know what I am.

but if something doesn't exist, doesn't it already exist in some way or other?
it exists in the way it doesn't exist, according to what we perceive as existence.

so what exists and what doesnt?

I wonder why we live lives trying to prove ourselves all the time.
to be the best in certain things, and to revel in the pride and glory it brings us.

isn't it easier to not exist, to never worry about failure and being judged?
all the problems in the world then wouldn't bother us.

Its like nirvana.
but nirvana is nothingless. and come to think about it, it'll be sad to feel empty and blank, devoid of anything to go on for.

funny how life f-cks us up huh?
whats our purpose for being who we are and doing what we do?

I think everything shouldn't exist and we'll be better off being invisible air molecules floating around.

bah I think I need to get a life.